Why I write….

I am afraid of speaking my heart out in front of people,

Writing gives me a better and non-judgmental platform….

Am I unlucky for you ?

I can’t fall in love at first sight

How to deal with misunderstandings in relationships?

 

Misunderstandings happen in every relationship and I am not only referring to the romantic ones. The platonic are blood relations are also plagued by this.

Cause of misunderstanding: not people but their assumptions and beliefs!

Usually people have a set of assumptions & beliefs based on which they react to a certain situation.

For e.g. A son asked his mother for an expensive phone. She refused.

What Mom meant: Getting him a new phone would distract him from his studies especially when his final exams are around the corner. I will buy him a phone after his exams are over.

Mom’s belief: Educations is more important for his future than fulfilling his wish now. My son should concentrate on his upcoming exams.

Mom’s assumption: I should think about my son’s long term benefit and not on providing instant gratification.

BUT

What son thought: My mother does not love me. She loves money.

He is questioning his mother – not her belief, not her assumption. This creates acrimony in relationship until and unless explicit effort is made to remove such misunderstanding.

The reason I am saying that assumptions and beliefs are causes because it is far more constructive to critically analyse an assumption/belief than questioning an individual.

Let me make it easier for you. Which of the following is more hurtful?

Son:  Mom, I don’t like your belief / assumption.

OR

Son: Mom, I don’t like you.

I rest my case.

How can we deal with misunderstanding? – 10 key points

  1. Never jump to conclusions.
  2. Do not react immediately. Take time to understand the underlying belief/assumption to know where the thinking is coming from.
  3. If in doubt, ask frankly. The person will understand.
  4. Take effort.
  5. Do not always expect the other person to take effort. It is your relationship as well.
  6. Talk to the person when he/she has calmed down.
  7. You both are a team – not adversaries. There is no winner in a relationship. It is not a fight.
  8. Understand your assumptions and beliefs as well. Self-awareness is key.
  9. Give space and time to the other person to understand you.
  10. Don’t think you know someone really well. Every person is evolving. There are layers waiting to be unfolded. There is more to that person than meets the eyes.

Have a healthy relationship.

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Reminiscences of the past

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These little  reminiscences of the time spent with you still adorn the pages of my life !

The freshness of the petals is ephemeral, but that of the memories is eternal.  

~

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Parents, you are wrong when ………

Parents are the angels we have on Earth who take care of us, when God is too busy maintaining balance and peace in the world. This position of theirs earns respect and gratitude of the child. Believe me when I say that every child feels (and should feel) indebted to his parents, for giving him life and more importantly for making it worth living, at some or all times throughout his existence on Earth. Parents are like the anchor of our boat, keeping us afloat in this gigantic ocean of worldly drifts and waves.be-affectionate

But does that mean they cannot do anything wrong? No, it does not.

Parents are wrong when they lay too much pressure on their child to excel in the ongoing rat race to prove one’s worth in this materialistic world. I am not generalizing here. I know there are many parents who support their child through thick and thin. And if you are one of them, I salute you!

But then, I also know about parents for whom boasting about their child’s success and achievement is so important to maintain their ‘status’ in the society, that in the process of creating a success story, they often lead to tales of broken dreams. They want to produce geniuses. And in this era of cut throat competition, they want their child to go to a reputed college, earn a hefty salary and marry a partner of their choice. Looks extremely well planned, isn’t it ? But I tend to disagree. Between all the meticulous contemplation and planning about a child’s future, where have they taken into account their child’s dreams and aspirations? Parents might put forth an argument that they have seen the world and they are experienced enough to judge what is good for their child and what is bad. I totally agree. 2015-02-12-13-02-59.shattered dreamBut how is crushing of a child’s dreams would do any good to him. I know ‘crushing’ is a harsh word to use in this context but I don’t intend to use euphemism when I want to express my views clearly and without any softening or exaggeration. In certain situations, parents might not even know that they are ‘crushing’ their child’s dream. Ignoring it and asking him to blindly follow the rat in the race cannot absolve them of the fact that they are killing the seed inside him which can give birth to a tree in future. Or even if it is not a tree, even if it is just a sapling – yet a sapling is better than a dead and a wasted seed.428c516b7a78d17d0abc6a7fbd726081

A child is already indebted to his parents. He always wants to give them all the happiness of the world and make them feel proud. But does that mean he has to do everything that his parents’ desire irrespective of what he truly yearns for- ignoring his own dreams? After all, parents want them to be happy, right! What if he is happy doing his own little thing rather than walking the trodden path? Parents want best for their child but what if their perception of best for him isn’t aligned with his happiness? What if he is happy following his risky and uncertain field of interest and not the conventional and certain area of employment?

What if his heart is full when his pockets are not? What if his eyes shine and not his resume?

What if a distant relative or an insensitive neighbor doesn’t approve of your child’s ‘unusual success story’. It will still be a success story for him.

What if your child scores less than what you expected – what if he is not the topper but your neighbor’s kid is ? Should that mean he does not deserve to be your kid or you should pay less attention on him and concentrate more on your younger kid who excels in his education? Should that mean he isn’t a man of good character – worthy of every happiness and love?

You might feel by now that I am too rude or too insensitive and cynical about parent’s emotions and intentions. Or I am a rebellious child myself trying to let off the steam by pouring my frustration out into words. Believe me, I am not. What I am doing here is sharing my experience, not as a victim, but as a witness of the sufferings of an oppressed child who is so low on confidence today because of his/her failure to prove his worth to his/her parents. Let’s call him/her X. X considers himself a loser because he is not able to satisfy his parents’ ever-growing expectations. He has achieved a lot in his life, but not enough to achieve his parent’s satisfaction.

00221917e13e0f4d267d1aDo you approve of this? Should parents burden their child with so many expectations that a child spends his entire life trying to prove his worth?

Why are studies and grades a metric to judge whether a child is a good child or not? Why is a resume a standard to declare a child successful and not his character or nature? Why a child is always marked on his intellectual abilities rather than humane feelings and demeanor?

This culture is so deeply rooted in our society that I fear children losing the courage to confront their parents with their dreams. And therefore, parents need to understand and the younger generation needs to learn.

I am never going to let my child feel what X felt.

I will water the seed inside my little kid’s heart and will watch it grow. Whether it grows into a big, lush tree or a tiny sapling – future will tell – neither do I care because I will be busy looking at the smile on my kid’s face !

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P.S – My idea is not to offend parents in general or doubt their sincere intentions for their kids, neither I am painting parents as dream-killers. I just want to give every parent a chance to reconsider their parenting – to make sure they do not fall into the category of dream-killers.

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A Brother’s Sister

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Cynosure of all eyes,

 I was, for three years long,

 Soon, I heard joyful cries

‘Look sweetie, your brother is born’.

~

 Tiny little hands, minuscule fingers,

So delicate he was to hold,

 In the hospital, by his side, I lingered,

 ‘Let him sleep, honey’, mum told.

~

I got my first & only sibling,

My very first friend,

This was just the beginning,

 Of a friendship that would never end.

~

Sharing toys and chocolates,

He was my partner in crime,

That hasn’t changed till date

Along the years, over the time.

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Once a kid, now fully grown

Into a tall, handsome man,

So quickly, the time has flown

Twenty years is a long span

~

But, even after twenty years,

Our bond is very much the same

Still reveling, fighting, sharing  tears

Pulling each other’s leg, calling names !

~

I don’t get to see him much

Away from home, I live

But I always keep him in touch

Sense of closeness I want to give.

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I want him to be successful

And lead a happy, sanguine life

Filled with pride and joy, blissful

Complete with children and a caring wife!

~

A Proud sister, I will always be,

I want to see him rise and shine,

Apple of my eye, he will always be

No matter how old he is, brother mine !!

                                                                                               ~

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Is celebrating Father’s Day, Mother’s day etc necessary ? I say – Yes ! It is extremely important – Here’s why …

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Of late, people have started questioning the necessity of various ‘days’ that have been given special significance by dedicating it to either family members or friends or lovers. The 2nd Sunday of May is celebrated as Mother’s day in India, while the 3rd Sunday of June is celebrated as Father’s day to commemorate the presence of our creators in our life. On a similar note, we have 1st Sunday of August dedicated to our chums and 14th February for our beloved – the latter being the most famous and most awaited by many – the Valentine’s Day. We have a long list of similar days – for your reference I have added the list at the end so that next time you do not forget – You are welcome ! 🙂

My primary grouse is that some people feel celebrating these days is redundant. They justify their stand by saying that they love their parents/friends/siblings/beloved and respect their contribution in their life – a fact known to everybody, so there is no need for a reminder – emotions count. Some ignore the significance by saying that they shower their love 365 days a year – they do not need a day to prove their love.

Dear people, neither am I doubting your love nor asking you to prove it. I am very sure that you have the greatest of  affection for your dear ones and you love them to the moon and back. The main objective behind celebrating these days is : expression of love.

I know you love your parents or friends or beloved, but how many times have you said it to them? If you do say it, I respect you because you understand that love sometimes need expression. For people like me who are shy & reserved and rarely confess their love, these days serve as a fresh breeze for our relationship ,giving us a much needed opportunity to express what we feel for them, letting us keep our shyness aside because we know we are not alone in this. It obliges us to take a break from our fast paced life, sit back, and make beautiful moments with our dear ones – take them out for dinner or shopping, pamper them, make them feel special. With beautiful moments, I do not mean social media. Of course, you can proclaim you love, but do not restrict it only to that platform. It is a time for you to re-discover your relationship with your parents or siblings – strengthen the bond with your friends, explore and experience emotions you have never felt before with your beloved.

Some readers might think – love is all that matters. Why do I need to say it a zillion times?

I agree. Love is what matters at the end. But to bring freshness into your relationship, you need to express it. You don’t have to do it a zillion times, nobody expects that – but once a year would be a good start. Another point to ponder over is that this should not be a mechanical process – do not do it just for the heck of it. If you do not want to say it on that day, say it on some other day. But say it. People underestimate the importance of expression of love, but –

Sometimes loving is just not enough – you need to express .

You need to break your silence and appreciate the presence of the special person in your life.

Remember, how happy you are when you are appreciated at school or work – it makes your day – isn’t it ? Then make somebody else’s day too…

– Amateur

As promised, here is the list of the important days:

Disclaimer: The following days are celebrated in India. Some days might differ based on geographical location. The author do not claim the authenticity of the dates.

Date Day
1st January Global Family Day
14th February Valentine’s Day
2nd Sunday of February World Marriage Day
8th March World women’s Day
2nd Sunday of May Mother’s Day
24th May Brother’s Day
3rd Sunday of June Father’s Day
13th June World Roommate’s day
1st Sunday of August World Friendship Day
2nd August Sister’s Day
11th August Son & Daughter’s Day
First Sunday after 5th September Grandparents’ Day
19th November World Men’s Day
23rd November World Mother-in-law’s Day